Monday, May 4, 2015

She named her Jenny. A rambling of thoughts and emotions.

May is busy.
Busy makes the days a blur.
It is hard to connect with others or yourself when things are a blur.
Time seems to go faster when things are so blurred and busy.
May marks a lot of lasts.
Lasts make me emotional.
I do not like emotional.
Moving on.
It is the end of yet another school year.  In a month from today I will no longer have an 8th grader, a 5th grader, a 3rd grader and a Kindergartner.
At the end of this month I will have a high school student, a middle school student, an upper el and a lower el student.
I had planned for them to grow up a bit slower.  To have more moments to savor.
I know, this is drama.
I loathe drama.
But I need to process this thing that I am going through so that I can move on with them and not sit in my own self pity.
In the next month my 5th grader will leave for a state competition for 5 days.  without me.  My choice really, and the right one.
At the end of the month my 8th grader will head to Costa Rica to build relationships with our sister school there.  Exciting.  Far. Letting go.
We are in a swirl of lasts.  End of the year trips and projects.  This year I chose to refrain from volunteering.  Not because I don't want to do my part but because I needed to.  I needed to savor in my own way.
We moved this year.
We love our new home.
I am getting ready to paint and landscape.
I needed to settle first.
My kids are so funny and sweet.  I love them so much but they are hard to be around sometimes and they drive me crazy.
Grace has 2 new teeth that are almost all the way in...  She has not lost the baby teeth yet.  She will not wiggle them.
Ellie brought home a cabbage to grow during the summer months.  She named her Jenny.  Jenny sits on the deck by my chair.  Jenny is happy and healthy.
Mya is the tallest girl in her class.  She will be very upset when the other kids hit their growth spurts.
Jacob is working for a friend at a dairy farm.  He milks cows.  He is maturing rapidly.  He smells pretty bad when he gets home.  I make him change in the garage.
We will all run a 5K in a few weeks. Greg just started training.  I started 6 weeks ago.  Greg's time is better than mine.
This is our life. Cabbages and competitions.  Growing fast and slowly letting go.
This post was an attempt for a mom to connect with her thoughts and feelings while being stuck in a blur.

Sunday, June 30, 2013


After months of planning and preparation. Today IS the day.  I am leaving my comfort zone to seek solitude with God.  
If it is any sort of testament to motherhood--I chose to travel all the way to Egypt to try to accomplish this.
I am extremely sad to part with my family but extremely thankful to have this time.
If you would like to pray for me I would be grateful for that as well.

Please pray for safe travel (Psalm 43:3)
For Health and Strength (1 Samuel 25:6, Nehemiah 8:10, John 17:21)
For the leaders of the trip (Galatians 5:25)
To grow in knowledge and faith (Psalm 119:34-36, Deuteronomy 6:5)
For us to be faithful witnesses during this trip where ever we go. (2 Timothy 4:2)
For the Glory of God in all of this (Psalm 34:3)

I will try to update this from time to time as I travel but am not sure how much time or energy I will be able to put into it!  

There is also a blog here.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I can't...

It is something I have told myself for 30 odd years. I can't run. I am not a runner. With a million excuses. And a fat belly.
Then one day I said to myself, and repeated later to facebook,
 "If all you have are excuses, that is all you will ever have."
But I might throw up
     then throw up.
But I will look stupid
    who do you think is watching you?
But I have never been able to do it before!
     Because you quit at the first obstacle.
But I don't know how.
    Find a plan, get a clue.
But I am afraid that I will fail.
    If you don't try, you already failed.
But what if my joints swell up and I start feeling pain again?
     Then quit and go to the doctor.

So I tried.  I downloaded couch to 5k on the kids ipods.  I started the 8 week program 1 month ago.  I am on week 8.  Today I ran for 25 minutes without stopping.  I wasn't winning any races.  The tortoise and the hare beat me.  I don't care. I did it.

And I have realized that by telling myself I was not capable, I told God that I am not capable either.  I have lost  years of self discipline and fitness because I will never run as well as so and so and because I was afraid of failure.  I lost years of leaning on God when I struggled in my path because I chose the easy way. This may seem like a silly analogy however, it makes perfect sense to someone who lacks self discipline and regards themselves as not as good as those around her.
Oh, I have always felt just as loved as everyone else, probably even the favorite, but I just didn't think I had the drive.
I was wrong.
I am sorry God, it happens a lot. Just ask Greg. ;)
On Wednesday I turn 37.  I will run 3.1 miles on Wednesday. A new year, a new outlook, same me only driven.
Bless God.

Friday, August 24, 2012


a point at which rays of light, heat, or other radiation, meet after being refracted or reflected.

It has been a long, somewhat slow summer.  Few of the activities that were on the kids to do list were accomplished. For whatever reason, whether it is the fault of the parents or not, this brings guilt.

While- should have, could have, would have, clouds his mothers brain.  Jacob has kept such a positive attitude. Always looking on the bright side.  Encouraging his sisters MORE than discouraging them.

Yesterday we spent the day at Shipshewana. Something that my kids love. Money BURNS a HOLE in their pockets.  Yet after having to work for a couple of weeks to pay for an ipod repair, it seems that Jacob has found some pleasure in SAVING.

He did not spend much of his money, while the girls bought every single thing that caught their eyes and their money ran out rather quickly.

The one purchase he did make was a package of magnifying glasses.  Not for observation of small things. No. To try to use them to start fire.

Which, by the way, works more quickly than I thought it did. 

This afternoon, he singed a napkin, some dead flowers, wood chips, fencing, shoes, skin, you name it. He figured out at what angle to hold the glass between the sun and the object to be burned and hold it there until the object would smoke.

My dad said, that is called focus. Which I always thought was something Jacob and I lacked. Which is partly why this summer got away from us. 

But I think, by watching him mature this summer.  By watching him react and encourage others just by being him. I think just maybe, he is it. A point at which rays of light, heat or other radiation meet after being refracted or reflected. 

Like the magnifying glass, He can gather the points of light that he encounters, draw them together and start something. He can.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Privacy please

Its a simple request.
With all the noise and the hustle and bustle around my house,
                           it is one that I make often.
When I am on the phone,
or the computer,
or changing,
 or using the restroom,
it irritates me when I am interrupted.
I feel constantly exposed to the fullest.
So why would I constantly allow anyone who crosses my blog to read it?
I need to protect my kids from too much over exposure because in their life time they will have plenty.
So for now,

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Its been warm.

The tulips have popped early,
     the trees are blooming,
           the lawn has already been mowed.

Today the weather changed.
As I walked out of school this morning
           I saw huge flakes falling fast.
I stepped out of the door and walked to my van.

I turned my head toward the sky and looked up at cotton-like snow flakes.
They splattered on my cheeks and nose.

I inhaled deeply
               and caught the sweet scent
                                                      of the flowering trees.

I have never experienced those things in the same moment.
Today, I experienced new.

I could choose to gripe because the weather is not perfectly sunny.
                        but I WILL NOT.
I will rejoice in the fact that it is not my call.

I will rejoice that while everything has a purpose,
       its not my burden to decipher what that purpose is.
And I will feel the underlying warmth in my soul,
                             while the snowflakes                  swirl,
 and the chill in the air brings

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Thats better!

Thanks for your help Aunt Charity!!